The Do’s and Don’ts of Asking for Help

It might seem so easy for many of us to ask for help, but this isn’t always the case. For some people asking for help can be difficult as they don’t want to bother people, they’re shy and introverted, and sometimes, because of individuals who think that it is weak, they can believe that they themselves are weak for wanting, and needing help. Of course, the people who do ask for help aren’t always going to nail it either. It’s very common for people to mess up asking for help by falling into common pitfalls. There are certain things that you can say that act as red flags to your audience that can ultimately make the decision for them. So, what are these pitfalls?

DON’T EMPHASIZE ENJOYMENT – One thing that can often act as a red flag for people is when you mention how much fun it’s going to be, especially for them. If you’re asking a good friend, a family member, or a work colleague, most of the time they probably won’t need a lot of convincing. The reason being is that helping people in need has been scientifically proven to be good for you. When you help someone, your brain releases chemicals like oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine which help boost your general mood, and act as a counter to the stress hormone, also known as cortisol. So, when you help someone, particularly when it’s enjoyable, you’re actually improving your mood and reducing stress, and this is also the case for when people help you. This is why people will not need a lot of convincing most of the time.

By constantly trying to emphasize how much they’ll enjoy it by saying things like ‘you’ll have such a great time’, or ‘it’ll be loads of fun’, you’re giving them promises that might not be true, resulting in less positivity for them. Not only that, but by giving them these promises, you can appear to be overbearing and controlling which is a red flag in and of itself. No one wants to help someone who isn’t going to be cooperative. They are giving you their time to help you, when they’re under no contract to do so. So be kind and aware. You can’t tell people how they will feel, they will figure that out by themselves.

DON’T UNDERSELL – One way that many people ask for help is by underselling the gravity of the help. You might think that by underselling what needs to be done is a way of encouraging them, and if it isn’t a lot to do, some people might jump at the chance to do it. But if you’ve undersold the amount of work that needs doing, they’re going to feel cheated. And this won’t help anyone. If you tell someone that it’s nothing big, they trust you to tell the truth, and when it is inevitably more than ‘nothing big’, you not only reduce the person’s help, but also the likelihood of gaining their help in the future.

What you might not realise or take into account when asking for help is that each of us has our own lives. We are all busy in our own way, and sometimes we haven’t got time to help you out. Of course, if you ask someone to drop something on their way back home, promising it’s on their route, and it actually is, there’s nothing wrong with that. But if the destination is an hour’s drive away, miles away from their own home, they’re unlikely to help you out in the future. If you are doing things like this deliberately, and palming your responsibilities onto other people, then stop it. If it’s not deliberate, you’re not selfish, you’re just not taking into account the other person’s schedule, and when you do this, it can seem to undermine them.

REPAYMENT – It’s easy to assume that because you have done something that has helped someone in the past, that they are automatically indebted to you until you require their help, however, this isn’t the case. Whilst it’s understandable to say that because you helped someone, they should help you, it’s not as clear cut as that unfortunately. It’s okay to perhaps for the exact same help for example, helping each other with a project or assignment that needs doing, but when the help is unbalanced, this is where the problems arise.

You shouldn’t want to force people into working, and this is what this does. You’re guilt tripping them into helping you, which can have a negative effect on their experience and just like underselling them, make them reluctant to help you again in the future. Because most people don’t want to hurt feelings, and out-right deny you of their help, they might try to find a way to excuse themselves. However, if you’ve cornered them by essentially saying ‘you owe me’, then you can end up making the answer for them, but the overall experience can be a negative one as well as hinder the relationships from progressing further.

Asking for help can be difficult, especially if what you’re asking is embarrassing, troubling, or awkward. We get it. You don’t want to talk about it, but if you need help – you need help. You shouldn’t feel pressured into asking, or indeed, not asking for help, but the same rules apply to who you ask. Don’t pressure them into helping you. Don’t corner them, and make them feel guilty. If they’re a good person, and someone who you trust, the chances are they’ll help you with whatever you need.